I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
