Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
