I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
