I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
