I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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