i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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