you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
