she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
