I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize