Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
