The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So I just went to clothing optional bar
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
