Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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