i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
