Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
