I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
