I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
