dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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