I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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