the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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