tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Four minutes until I can fart!
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
