Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
