wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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