I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
