he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
