I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
