I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
