If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
