Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
