i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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