I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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