please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
