the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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