genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I need moral support for this bender
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
