his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
