just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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