There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
