almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
