Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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