My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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