my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
