Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
