This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
