Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
