"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
