Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
