Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
