planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
