from now on my penis is your penis
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
