Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
