It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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