fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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