apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
im holly from the hills drunk
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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