You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize