guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
