I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
