The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
