You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
