My liver just broke up with me...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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