i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
