naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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