Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
