i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
