K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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