your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
