$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
