My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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