Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The struggles of a small town man whore
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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