too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
