when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
