The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
